What do professional baseball players do with their off time? We can't even begin to imagine, because they have a lot of damn off time ... READ FULL POST >>
To say that the NFL draft is overhyped would be an atrocious understatement. Each year, the draft serves as the unofficial start to the professional football season, as coaches, players, and fans alike gather together in hopes of celebrating the selection of that one perfect player who embodies the missing piece to a team’s championship puzzle. With visions of Super Bowl trophies dancing in their heads, NFL fans glue their eyes to ESPN each year to watch the draft, anxiously anticipating their team’s draft selections. Fans become infatuated with the draft, fearing that their team may choose incorrectly and “screw up” their chances at a Super Bowl, as if any one person can actually predict with any amount of certainty what constitutes a “good” or “bad” draft selection.
This year’s edition – the 77th annual – held its much anticipated first round Thursday evening at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall. While we here at TCS most certainly prefer the facetious approach to analyzing such events (imagine that), the fact remains that many of our loyal readers, myself included in this group, do enjoy the
overhype that is the NFL draft. Therefore, it is with the utmost pride and pleasure that I present to you TCS’s inaugural recap of the bests – and worsts – of the NFL’s draft’s first round bonanza.
To start, let’s provide our sports-rube fan base with some
unfounded and irrelevant critical analysis of last’s night’s proceedings.
Best First Round (team): Minnesota Vikings
Alert the media: the Minnesota Vikings didn’t f*ck something up! I know this may be difficult to fathom, but as a variety of so-called experts have alluded to, our beloved Purple may have in fact had the best first round of any of the NFL’s 32 teams. Vikings GM Rick Spielman used some savvy maneuvering to acquire two high-impact players in last night’s first round – USC offensive tackle Matt Kalil and Notre Dame safety Harrison Smith. Ranked as the draft’s best offensive lineman and second best safety, respectively, these two will likely be starters from day 1 and serve as major upgrades at two of the team’s biggest areas of weakness. The Vikings’ first round should also be considered a major success based solely on the fact that they were able to get their selections to the podium on time. Way to go, guys.
Worst First Round (team): Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks traded back from 12th to 15th in the first round, acquiring two additional late-round picks in the process. While this would typically be regarded as a highly strategic move, it was the player on whom Seattle used their 15th overall section that earned the ‘Hawks this spot on our list. That leads us to …
Worst First Round Selection: LB Bruce Irvin, Seattle Seahawks, 15th overall
On a positive note, the Seahawks got a player with unquestioned pass-rushing skills. On a negative note, the guy is a joke. The reality of today’s NFL is that a first-round selection equates to a multi-million dollar investment. I’m not sure about you guys, but when weighing my options regarding in whom to make such an investment, I might try to avoid someone whose prior history includes dropping out of high school, breaking into a drug dealer’s house, and charges related to destruction of property and carrying a concealed weapon.
Best First Round Selection: WR Justin Blackmon, Jacksonville Jaguars, 5th overall
You’ve got to hand it to the Jags on this one. In trading up to acquire Blackmon, a player widely regarded as the best receiver in this year’s draft, Jacksonville addressed their biggest area of weakness: the lack of a real passing game. The Jags may still be wondering if their decision to trade up for QB Blaine Gabbert in last year’s draft was a wise one, but with Blackmon now added to the mix, they may soon have their answer. At the very least, any deficiency in the Jaguar passing game will no longer be able to be attributed to a lack of viable receiving options.
And thus ends our assessment of the more formal aspects of last night’s first round. With those
boring important aspects out of the way, let’s dive into some additional pros and cons from last night’s festivities.
Best Dressed: QB Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins, 2nd overall
One of the more interesting aspects of the league’s annual “player selection meeting” is the attire dawned by the various draftees. Top spots in this regard undoubtedly go to new Redskins signal-caller RG3. Dude was on point, looking slightly better than the image of him depicted by the popular restaurant he is now endorsing.
Honorable mention: OT Matt Kalil, Minnesota Vikings. Check the tie; gee, I wonder if he knew who was picking him?
Worst Dressed: WR Justin Blackmon, Jacksonville Jaguars, 5th overall
The dude’s receiving skills may be superb, but clearly his sense of style leaves much to be desired. As a receiver, Blackmon stands tall and firm. As a dresser, quite the opposite. If the goal of that pocket square was to resemble a limp penis, Blackmon nailed it (props to TCS editor Box for pointing that one out).
Best Bling: DT Dontari Poe, Kansas City Chiefs, 11th overall
Widely expected to be drafted in the latter part of the first round, Poe may have been surprised to hear his name called 11th overall by KC. Regardless, it appears obvious that Poe was less concerned about when he’d be drafted than he was with making sure his diamond-encrusted timepiece was in full view of ESPN’s cameras. Good lord, man. That thing would make Rick Ross blush.
Worst Draft Pick Acceptance: DT Dontari Poe, Kansas City Chiefs, 11th overall
Easily one of the worst aspects of the draft is how long the damn thing takes. While this year’s first round was, as a whole, much speedier than previous years, Poe was clearly not a contributor to that process. By our calculations, Poe took a solid 1:15 to get off his phone after hearing his name called, elapsing a full 2:30 between the announcement of his name and his embracing of commissioner Roger Goodell. Poe apparently decided to heed the advice of the philosopher Chris “Lucacris” Bridges, a man who once famously stated that a person should go “two miles an hour…so everybody sees you.”
Best Draft Acceptance: OLB Melvin Ingram, San Diego Chargers, 18th overall
This one was a runaway, serving as easily our favorite moment from last night’s draft. Not only was Ingram’s acceptance speedy, it was immensely creative. Who knew NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was such a bro?
Best Celebrity Doppelganger: DT Michael Brockers, St. Louis Rams, 14th overall
Honorable mention: RB Trent Richardson, Cleveland Browns, 3rd overall. Richardson left many people wondering if T-Pain‘s recent comeback involved a transition to football.
Best Draft Babe: QB Ryan Tannehill, Miami Dolphins, 8th overall
And of course, no draft recap would be complete without an assessment of the draftees’ arm-candy. The runaway winner in this category was Tannehill’s wife Lauren and her skintight red dress. It’s difficult to decide which is more exciting for Miami-based pervs: the promise of Mr. Tannehill under center for the ‘Phins, or the possibility of catching a glimpse of Mrs. Tannehill sunbathing around her new South Beach residence.
And thus concludes TCS’s inaugural look at the highs and lows of the NFL draft. While many may view this annual event as boring and insignificant, the aforementioned aspects serve as proof that the draft does in fact offer a little something for everybody. Cheers.
Category - Sports Culture