The Hypothetical United States Euro 2012 Dream Team

June 28, 2012 - 7:52 pm -


Gyro Euro 2012 is nearing the final 90 minutes of heart stopping, edge of your seat, low scoring, guys chasing a ball drama. And once again, American fans seem to care slightly more than usual about the combined efforts of 11 Spaniards. The best part about the Euro, in my eyes, is that we don’t have to see the Americans get crushed by nearly anyone that steps onto a field in Europe.


The US Men’s Soccer team is supposedly comprised of the best soccer players in the land of the free, but the best athletes and best choices to fill a championship roster are busy doing something else. That’s why I sought to create a roster, a dream team if you will, of the ideal players that could suit up for the the good old U-S of A. Therefore the following list is a group of athletes, characters and misfits that would propel the United States to a bunch of thrilling and hypothetical one goal victories. Without further ado, the United States Euro 2012 Dream Team …


Starting Lineup —


Air Bud“Air Bud” portrayed by Buddy – Forward

Let’s face it, this dog can and will play any sport. Bring enough pudding and the dog can make a free throw, score a goal, catch a touchdown, and apparently even spike a volleyball. For some reason, regardless of the sport, no one but Bob Barker has figured out a way to stop the dog from scoring (that’s a spay and neuter your pets joke). He’s faster than anyone you can throw out there, because he’s a dog. Just get him a ball and don’t expect it back. He’s a black hole on the field and he will probably steal your girlfriend too.


Clint Eastwoodactor – Forward

In a game of men that flop and cry when touched, the team needs a macho man. Everyone knows the guy can shoot, try naming a western movie that doesn’t feature Mr Eastwood as the lead. I have no doubt that a sixshooter and a soccer ball can be shot with equal skill.


Tiger Woodsgolfer – Midfield

Face it, the man has been finding the hole his entire life. Finding the hole in the defense and sticking it in there will be no issue for this man. And a soccer field is basically a giant fairway, so he’ll feel right at home. To top it all off, he is already used to the whole “scoring as little as possible” idea that drives soccer fans wild.


Derrick Rosebasketball player – Midfield

Ignore for a second that defense is illegal in the NBA, but watching Rose make some of the best players in the league look like they are wearing cement shoes is a sight to see. The guy is athletic beyond understanding and his passing will be put to good use in the midfield. It is assumed he can stay healthy in a game where physical contact is limited to stepping on someone’s toes and pulling a jersey.


Andy Roddicktennis player – Midfield

Say what you will about his recent play, but Roddick was all over the tennis court back in the day. Fast, smart and able put the ball anywhere on the court he is the perfect fit for a midfield player. Oh, and his wife Brooklyn Decker follows him around. Couple seconds of screen time for her each game is definitely worth throwing Roddick out on the field.


Narrator/Tyler Durden“Fight Club” portrayed by Ed Norton, Brad Pitt – Midfield

The man that created Fight Club is put on the pitch for one reason only, flopping. Here I’m breaking the first and second rule of flopping… Who am I kidding, that’s all anyone ever talks about. But no one can flop like this guy. He’s kicked his own ass in two fights. While flopping is frowned upon by almost every sports fan in America, how can they hate it when it looks like this. Not to mention he’s half Brad Pitt, pretty boy yes, but at least he’s not as lame as Cristiano Ronaldo.


Jack Bauer“24” portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland – Defense

The guy can go for hours, 24 to be exact. He has defended America from terrorists, assassins and eight seasons of a much less interesting show in its place; stopping a guy in short shorts shouldn’t be that difficult for him. While 90 minutes is no time at all compared to the amount he does in 24 hours, Bauer gets way more done in 90 minutes then you could all week. Heck the guy can do it all in 90 minutes without taking a shit from anyone.


Bernie Madoff – business man and Ponzi schemer – Defense

Madoff stole billions of dollars from clients over a few decades. These clients handed the man money and just waited for him to tell them that it suddenly turned massive profits. The man is perfect for defense, attackers will just give him the ball as easily as his clients did, only after he scores a goal will they realize that anything was wrong. He is currently serving 150 years in prison, so that gives him a lot of time to learn the game. And most importantly, his last name makes the perfect pun for someone that steals for a living. “Madoff with the ball” sounds like he is in the act of stealing it regardless of how it came into his possession.


Ray Lewisfootball player – Defense

Being one of the best linebackers in NFL history, and not to mention one of the scariest dudes I’ve ever seen from 30 feet away, he makes an obvious pick for a defensive player. The fact that he probably could rip the head off of any player that comes close will scare away any attacking player.


Any UFC fightermartial artists – Defense

Chuck Liddell, BJ Penn, Jon Jones, heck even Brock Lesnar. Any of these guys would round up a defense, which will all but scare the other team’s attackers off the field. Not to mention, the dudes typically kick other guys in the face. Kicking is a surprisingly important part of soccer.


Metta World Peace (Ron Artest)basketball player – Goalkeeper

Let’s face it, I’ve never Metta World Peace I didn’t like. This guy is athletic enough and crazy enough to play keeper. He’s a giant and he’s one of the best defensive players in the NBA. He’s already used to getting things thrown at him on the court and I don’t think he will mind wearing a random colored jersey, the guy changed his name to World Peace.


The Bench —


Barney Stinson“How I Met Your Mother” portrayed by Neil Patrick Harris – Forward

Barney is legend – wait for it – dary when it comes to scoring. Three minutes left and someone needs to score? Challenge accepted.


Tim Tebowfootball player – Midfield

Not the best passer, but for the last five minutes of the game he’s golden. He makes for a perfect sub. This will also give Skip Bayless something to repine about now that LeBron got his championship.


Atticus Finch – “To Kill a Mockingbird” – Defense

While he never quite taught how exactly to kill a mockingbird, he has shown that he is willing to defend a black guy.


Chuck Norrisactor – Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can score a goal without even being on the field. Not to mention roundhouse kicks would make for excellent bicycle kicks.


Criss Angel or David Blainemagicians – Defense

Nothing will confuse attackers more than one of these guys appearing out of nowhere, guessing their card, pulling the ball out of their ear and floating away towards the other goal.


Coaching Staff —


Danny Ocean“Oceans Eleven” portrayed by George Clooney, Frank Sinatra – Head Coach

“Ocean’s Eleven” will ensure that journalists will not have to waste time trying to think of clever names for the team. No one is better at making a plan appear to fail on numerous levels only to have it miraculously work out perfectly in the end. Even if he doesn’t create ridiculous tactics for the team, at least he will have an alibi when the next big casino robbery goes down.


This KidYouTube sensation – Assistant Coach

He will be responsible for half time speeches, for obvious reasons.


Mr Miyagi“Karate Kid” portrayed by Pat Morita, Jackie Chan – Trainer

No one is better at forcing unwilling people to work random jobs that teach them invaluable skills later in life. Heck, maybe we should make him the president.


There it is, the hypothetical roster for the United States Euro 2012 Men’s Soccer Dream Team, which would make the dozens of American soccer fans proud. Of course, all of it sounds pretty cool until you realize that a requirement to play in the Euro is being European. And real. And not dogs. Oh well, this post is over, and the Euro is nearing its close, so you can go back to not caring about soccer until the next big international tournament comes up.

Tyler Birschbach is currently studying to become a trophy husband at the University of Minnesota. He spends most of his free time thinking of short descriptions of himself.  Follow him on Twitter @tyler_birsch.

Category - Sports Culture