Why the Oscars Suck!

February 24, 2013 - 4:48 pm -

The 85th Annual Academy Awards Suck and are Pretentious


The Oscars suck and I will not be watching them. Two true statements, the latter of which is easy to explain – I will be interning at a comedy club tonight actually – but the former is harder to describe. The 85th annual Academy Awards, the culmination of award season and the celebration of movies, air tonight on ABC. Celebrities of the big screen will dress up in ridiculously expensive clothing and march down a red carpet, answering questions about frivolous nonsense from the likes of Ryan Seacrest and Ross Mathews. Awards will be given, resentment and jealously will be palpable. Afterwards everyone will party and get inebriated. All harmless fun and shenanigans to most, but I don’t see it like that! The Oscars simply put are out of touch and pretentious.


Lately – maybe because I live in Los Angeles now – I feel like I am alone in my distaste for the Oscars. In a time where it is so hip to loathe success and the “1%” I find this rather appalling. Why am I the only one that connects the two? These are the some of the wealthiest, most shallow people on the planet, and we fall in line to praise, support and project ourselves on them, all from the comfort of our couches and sweatpants.


Imagine if the homecoming court at your high school, had their own homecoming court; that’s the Oscars. The prettiest of the prettiest, the most popular of the popular, getting together yucking it up, and here we are in our living rooms, in awe of their opulence and looks. I understand these people are beautiful, with their perfectly chiseled chins and/or bodacious racks. I understand these people are famous, with their mugs plastered on magazines and/or names all over the internet. However I’d rather not see these thinned skinned celebrities revel in it and present it to us, as if we are so lucky to have the opportunity to watch!


That single Vera Wang dress slung over Anne Hathaway could pay off an undergraduate degree for a well deserving and low income student. That Hollywood Blvd you have closed down for days has killed traffic for us normal folk and made parking even more of a problem in Tinseltown. Seriously, what does the acting profession provide for the masses that they feel allows them to give each other awards? You don’t see engineers or teachers having an award season or flaunting their accomplishments! It’s called being humble and unassuming. There can be no hubris in helping to better society, and in a profession that does little societal betterment, haughtiness runs rampant.


Now my disgust for the Academy Awards isn’t limited to simple superficial issues, their are numerous broken problems with the awards themselves. The most obvious of which is the Academy being mostly old and white dudes. This is well known and well criticized but never to the extent it should be. Many complain more African Americans should be nominated, which I don’t necessarily agree with; if they weren’t the best they shouldn’t be nominated to fill a quota. That said, as long as Morgan Freeman does a movie every year, there is no reason why he shouldn’t be nominated annually … But I digress. I do think the Academy has unjust and non nonsensical biases. They lean towards independent dramas constantly, and this makes as much sense as the “D” in Django.


Simpy put the best actors / actresses / directors should be nominated, whether that is drama / comedy / action and with a blockbuster / independent budget. To go all stat man on you, the winners should be based on some sort of formula boiled down to — critics response + box office intake + cultural impact + bias. There is an absolute need for some bias subjectivity – Heath Ledger’s posthumous win – but it shouldn’t based solely on that like it is. Huge flaw. There is no reason a super hero action movie shouldn’t win, but in the current set up, one simply cannot.


Another problem I have, is last I checked, this was America! Forget The Artist’s and Armour’s of the world. Subtitled films should never be nominated. I don’t go to the movies to read, if I did I would probably be a lot smarter than I am. Movies in there most simple form are a visual platform to entertain  Books harness our feelings, television / theater is about the dialogue and movies emphasize an ocular stimulus. These visuals get us out of the real world, out of our heads. An escape if you will. If I am stuck reading subtitles – with apologies to the deaf – I simple cannot take in that aspect and fully absorb the film.


Next, you can’t trust anyone named Oscar! Obviously the Oscars themselves are pretentious. Oscar the Grouch is a crabby, no-fun-to-be-around pill. Oscar Pistorious killed a lady! Oscar Robertson played for Wisconsin – Milwaukee specifically – and so automatically any amazing feats he had are trivial and irrelevant. And Oscar De La Hoya is an alcoholic. Avoid all Oscars, not just the Academy Awards …


Side note, does anyone else besides me find it ironic that a night about the “celebration of movies” is on television? Morons.


So when you are all tuckered up on your couch this evening, seeing the life of a pecan pie from start to finish, keep all this in mind. Think for a second what it is you are actually doing; supporting those that need it the absolute least and projecting yourself on a veil of opulence. Instead, applaud yourself this evening for whatever it is you do – because more likely than not it ultimately has a greater impact on the world than Bradley Cooper’s smile does – and for the love of America hope Amour – or Les Mis for that matter – doesn’t win a single statue!

Mike ‘Box’ Elder is an engineer, writer, mascot and actor. If ever nominated for an Oscar, he would not attend – a la Marlon Brando, but for less political reasons – but instead would have a wicked awesome party. Follow his uplifting spirit on Twitter @mikeboxelder and InstaG.

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Category - Pop Culture