Over / Under Bets for the 2013-14 Green Bay Packers

August 19, 2013 - 1:35 pm -

Jermichael Finley Children



If you’re hanging out amongst the readership pool here at TCStarlight, there’s a good chance you are a Minnesooootan (ya, hey?) and therefore you are a die hard Vikings fan. And by die hard, I mean that you are an absolute front runner who could not give two shits how the team is doing unless they are winning (“Wait, our quarterback’s name is ‘Christian?’ durrrrrr”.). You likely almost never attend games, and if you do attend you have to be sure to leave early, no matter how close the finish is, because God forbid there be any sort of wait after the game to catch a light rail train!


There’s also a good chance that you work and/or are friends with one of dem Packah’s fans who inhabit the easternmost part of the state. You know who I’m talking about, and my goodness, do you ever hate them! They wear an Antonio Freeman jersey on Friday’s before game day, are at least 60 pounds overweight, and generally just make fun of your beloved Purple People Eaters. Without further adieu, let’s get down to my over/under’s for the four-time Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers.


(Disclaimer: I am a diehard Packers fan. I absolutely hate the Vikings, even more than the Bears.)


Total Team Wins:
The Number: 12
The Pick: UNDER


Can’t take the over here, even though there is a decent possibility that this one comes right down to the wire. Tough non conference road games (@ 49ers, @ Ravens, @ Giants and @ Cowboys) as well as the Redskins and the Falcons at home this year. I imagine the Pack will split those two road games (so there’s two losses right there) and will have lost at least one divisional game (we’re already at 13-3 if you’re keeping score at home). There’s no value in taking the over here. God forbid something happens to Aaron Rodgers and he misses any time. Do you know how ugly of a scene it will be if 80,000 fat, drunken, and almost entirely white Packer fans are unleashed on Vince Young after several INT’s , three-and-outs, and wounded duck passes? I have to keep that question rhetorical because the answer would be so unsightly and disturbing. Please, God, keep Aaron healthy!


Aaron Rodgers Touchdown Passes:
The Number: 43.5
The Pick: OVER


I have absolutely no idea if there is even a number on this one, but if there is, it cannot possibly go high enough. Barring injury, Rodgers will get at least 10 touchdown passes against the Vikings alone in retaliation for Greg Jennings opening his mouth like some sort of idiot who would surely belong to the [Editor’s note; We removed the specific political party from this reference so as to keep to our apolitical style here at TCS. Censorship? Maybe. Savvy website move? Absolutely.] Party. He might throw for six TD’s in each game against them. Maybe even seven. As a side note, if you wish to see some marvelous trolling of @GregJennings during the football season, please be sure to follow me on Twitter. It shall be relentless.


Missed Field Goals by Packer Kickers:
The Number: 14.5
The Pick: OVER


Are you a douchebag? Did you watch Entourage? If ‘yes’ to both, can you imagine how great Entourage would have been if they had, you know, a real actor play the Vince character and not some vegan looking softie who rolled his eyes every time he had to take another hot percect 10 model to bed? (“UGH AGAIN I JUST WANT TO GO MAKE SOME TOFU AND WATCH ‘ELLEN’”) That’s how this Packers team would look if they had an actual kicker. My goodness, even in preseason games I am worried about the extra points. Luckily we’ve scored exactly one touchdown in the first two games so there goes that worry. Mason Crosby and that Other Guy competing in camp with him are both so bad that I hoped Ryan Longwell would kick for one season for us before riding off into the sunset with the Ol’ Gunslinger #4 himself.


Rushing Yards Per Game Packers:
The Number: 77.5
The Pick: UNDER


Every year Packer fans get excited about how great the running game is going to be that upcoming season. It never happens. By week three everyone is just ready to let A-Rodg air it out 60 times a game. In the current NFL, the best defense is a good offense, and the best offense is having the best quarterback on the planet chucking the pigskin around the field and just lighting up the score board. Why keep up the pretenses? I say just embrace it. It’s like being in a “relationship” for a few months where both of you know that 100% of the interest comes only from the incredible sexual activity that takes place. We have to go to a movie first, WHY? NO, I DO NOT WANT TO MEET YOUR PARENTS OR PET YOUR CAT LETS GO TO YOUR ROOM. Embrace it, baby.


Number of Children Fathered by Jermichael Finley during the Season:
The Number: 2.5
The Pick: OVER


The ‘under’ here is clearly a trap line, looking to bait bettors who clearly do not have knowledge of what an incredible sire #88 is. A quick Google search (or just click here) will let you know what type of sexual prowess this dude possesses. I have a good source (Read: A side piece he is “seeing”) in the Twin Cities who tells me there are already 9 children with a 10th on the way. A Wikipedia search confirms that there are at least 6 children out there. For a general idea of what type of women we are talking, be sure to read this. You know how there are old Triple Crown winning horses that just chill in their stable and once a day they are used to breed for millions of dollars per session? That’s how J-Mike rolls. All day he chills, drops a few passes, flexes a few times after a 6 yard catch on first down, and fathers children. Lots, and lots, of children. He’s going for a full 53 man roster before age 30. This one is a lock.


And there ya go! Enjoy the season folks.

Brad Jansen is a shot caller, baller who loathes anything Minnesota sports related. He also likes long walks under the boardwalk. Follow him on Twitter @bjans1.

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Over / Under Bets for the 2013-14 Minnesota Vikings

Category - Sports Culture